


After the nightmares end life will begin

by nggt052020



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Dean didn't die, Depressed Dean Winchester, Fix-It of Sorts, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Season/Series 15, References to Depression, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Worried Jack, Worried Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:20:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28704303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nggt052020/pseuds/nggt052020
Summary: Life was supposed to go on like normal after they stopped Chuck. How could it? Every time he closes his eyes all he can see is Cas. All he can hear are those last words. How is Dean supposed to move on?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 107





	After the nightmares end life will begin

**Author's Note:**

> There are references to depression and suicidal tendencies in this fic. If you may be triggered please don't read this! 
> 
> I had this in my drafts and I thought I would post it. It really bothered me that there wasn't much said after Cas's death.

“I never found an answer because the one thing I want is something I know I can’t have. But I think I know now happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It's in just saying it."

Dean stared at the angel. Cas always had a different way with words, it took a moment to understand his point. But this was different Cas was expressing more than he ever had in the past and Dean well Dean felt stuck. Billie was after them, they were about to die and Cas was choosing now. What did he mean that he couldn’t have it? Dean wanted to scream but his body wouldn’t move, it wouldn’t react.

"Ever since I pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack. But I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean. I love you... Goodbye, Dean."

Dean feels himself being pushed aside once again. He knows what’s happening and tries to force himself to run over to the angel. Hold onto him. Anything. Yet he couldn’t move his mind screaming, crying , thrashing around but all he could do was watch, his best friend, the one person who wasn’t related to him that he trusted the most, his angel be taken by the empty. 

“Dean! Dean!” 

Dean jolts up hearing his name. He looks around unsure where he is. Sam's hands were on his shoulders and concern washed over his face. Dean could feel tears streaming down his face. It was another dream. A recurring nightmare to be honest. One Dean could never escape from. This had happened and there was nothing Dean could do to change it, and it was like the world has a sick sense of humor by having him relive that moment every night.

“Dean you need to talk to me. You’ve been screaming and having nightmares every night.” Sam says, handing him a glass of water.

Dean stayed silent. He couldn’t tell Sam. There was no way. It had been a while since they had defeated Chuck. Jack had restored the world and everyone on it. Everyone except Cas. Dean had hoped that the angel was just lost or resurrected in a different place. That in due time he’d get a phone call, he’d hear that deep gravelly voice saying ‘hello Dean’ again. But he didn’t. Dean wasn’t naive, he knew that if he had t heard from Cas at this point then Cas wasn’t on Earth. 

Dean heard Sam sigh. The bead creaked slightly while Sam got off and went over to the chair. “Maybe I should stay. I’ll postpone my trip.”

“No Sam.” Dean shook his head finally looking up at his younger brother. “Go, you’ve been looking forward to this.”

“But Dean—“

“You’re going, that's final. I’m fine. I… I just need some time.”

Sam looked like he was about to argue but Dean got up and started dragging him out of the room. He pulled his brother all the way to the car and pushed him in. 

“The fact you have your bag in here already proves my point. Go, enjoy your vacation with Eileen. You deserve it.” 

Sam looked back and forth between the wheel and Dean. “If you need anything, anything at all… call me. Dean I’m serious!” 

Dean gives a small nod and watches as Sam leaves. 

Dean isn’t sure how long he stood there in the garage after Sam left. All he knew was this feeling of emptiness that was creeping through his whole body. Once Sams car was gone he saw it. Cas’s little ridiculous car. It was terrible yet he loved it so much. Dean just stared at it remembering the time Cas drove it in. He was so excited to have his own vehicle, he’d asked Dean to teach him everything about cars and how to take care of them. 

A vibration pulls him out of his memory. It was a message from Sam, he was checking in. God he must be a mess if the kid wouldn’t wait a couple hours before texting. Dean sends a quick message about safe driving and reassures that he’s fine. Afterwards he goes back inside. As Dean roams around the bunker the dreadful feeling grows. He didn’t need to pretend everything was fine anymore. With Sam gone he could finally wallow in his sadness. Dean finds himself in Cas’s room. This wasn’t the first time he’d come here. Dean often snuck in when Sam was occupied. 

It was time to change the sheets, dust and sweep. Dean knew it was pointless but he felt the need to. It was the only thing that kept him moving. He moved methodically, not really thinking about what he was doing yet carefully completing each task. Once he was done cleaning the room he stood back and reviewed. Everything seemed to be in its place. Satisfied with his work Dean moves to sit down on the floor leaning against the bed. Now that he had nothing to do all those thoughts and feelings of loneliness consumed him again. He placed his hands over his eyes and curled up. 

  
  


Dean suddenly woke up with pain shooting up his back and neck. Damn it, he had fallen asleep, He looked around trying to wake himself up. Where was he again? Oh right he was in Cas’s room. Dean suddenly felt a strong feeling in his gut. Guilt was taking over. How many times did he yell at Cas about personal space. He berated him so many times and here he was cleaning Cas’s room and sleeping in it without asking. Dean slaps his hand on his face, he was a hypocrite wasn’t he? Dean couldn’t stand to be in the room any longer as the guilt was eating him away. He got up and stumbled a bit. His vision went blurry for a minute or two but it slowly returned. Dean stumbled out of the room and started wandering the halls. 

It was eerily silent in the bunker. The bunker wasn’t normally loud or anything but Dean felt tiny in the large structure especially since Sam was gone. Dean wandered around for a few hours and found himself in the room. His body shuddered involuntarily as he walked into  _ the room _ . He hadn’t been in here since it happened. Since Cas…

Sam had clearly cleaned up here. There were no signs of struggle. There was no blood. Nothing that would give the appearance that Cas was taken from him. Dean could see it all though. He could see where Cas had stood, pouring his heart out. He could see the place the empty appeared and instantly grabbed Cas away. He stood in the spot where he was while Cas was confessing his feelings. Tears start streaming down his face again. 

“Cas stop! Cas I need you. Please we’ll find another way!” Dean wanted to scream at the figment of his imagination standing before him. But that would be pointless. Screaming now wouldn’t bring him back. There was nothing he could do. Dean felt cool air on his face which brought him back, away from his hallucinations of Cas. The door was gone. Sam had been able to clean and fix everything but the door. He supposed that was something he could do. Right? So Dean took on that task today. He found the parts he needed and went to work. It took him much longer than it should have. His sight was blurry from the tears and he’d keep needing to take breaks but he got it done. Once he finally put the door back up he went away to put the tools back.

Dean froze as he saw something in the corner of the room. The door, the old door that was destroyed. There were still dried blood stains from when Cas had drawn the sigil. Dean didn’t know when he had walked towards it be he was now close enough to reach out and touch the stupid door. His hand hovered over the sigil. He couldn’t get himself to touch it or wash it away. There were so few things left of Cas. The jacket with his handprint, his car, this door… 

Dean snaps himself out of this trance he keeps putting himself in. He’s too tired to do anything else. He decided to go to the library. Maybe he can find something else to occupy his time. Dean sat down and saw a few books out on the table. Sam must have been doing some light reading before he left. Dean picked up the books and started reading. The first one seemed to be about Oz, the world Charlie had gone off to a few years back. Dean's chest tightens at the thought of Charlie. Sure they had the other world Charlie here now but it wasn’t the same. He always messes things up doesn’t he? Anyone who gets close to him ends up dying. He puts that book down not wanting to think much more about Charlie. The next book was about the empty, or he guessed it was a theory about something similar to the empty. He had already read this, a while back actually. He tosses the book to the side and rests his elbows on the table. He was so tired, a small nap wouldn’t hurt right? He uses his arms as a pillow and leans forward. He is asleep within seconds

A large thud woke Dean up this time. He was disoriented and couldn’t figure out where he was. Panicking Dean starts thrashing around trying to grab anything that could be used to defend himself. He finally calms down when he realizes he’s on the floor under the table in the library. He notices a pool of blood on the floor. Damn it, it seems that he fell of the chair and hit his head on the corner of the table. He feels the back of his head and sure enough there was blood. Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. This time in his dream he tagged along. He went to the empty with Cas but then the empty shoved him back to the real world. All the hope he felt disappeared and instantaneously he was filled with despair. He opened his eyes and crawled out careful not to hit his head again. He went over to take a shower. He had to clean the wound but also he was hoping it would help him relax and differentiate the dreams from reality. 

Once he finished his shower he wrapped up his head. He wasn’t sure if he needed stitches but even if he did he wouldn’t be able to do it himself. He planned to just wait it out. If things seemed to be going bad he could always call for help. 

Dean grabbed a few pills and a pack of beer. His body seemed to be taking the lead without him making any conscious decisions. It wasn’t until he sat down that he realized he was back in Cas’s room. This was his life now wasn’t it? Just move aimlessly between rooms remenicing about the past? Wishing he could change things. He stared at the the bottles of pills and beer. He didn’t know if he wanted to take them all or if he should bare the pain. Both his arms were holding them out in front of him. He was so focused on trying to decide that he didn’t notice someone was standing in front of him. 

“Dean…” 

Dean looked up, it was Jack he looked worried. 

“Dean please put down the pills and the bottle.” Jack said softly with his arms up. “Please…”

Dean blinked, confused. “Jack?” Everything was blurring up again. He tried to stand up but he couldn’t feel his legs. 

Jack caught him and helped him onto the bed. Dean didn’t say anything as Jack pried the objects out of his hands and moved them far away. 

Dean flinched as he felt Jack touch his head at the spot he hit it early. 

“Dean let me.”

“I don’t…” Dean started arguing he didn’t deserve this. He deserves the pain.

“Dean.” Jack interrupted and push Deans arms away. “Let me.” He repeated sternly. 

“Sams worried. He’s driving back as we speak. He’s been sending many prayers but I couldn’t reach you until now.” Jack said as he quickly healed Dean. 

Jack stepped back facing Dean and glancing over him. “You haven’t eaten.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.

Dean just stared back at the kid. Jack had grown up. Physically he looked the same but his demeanor and poise was different. Being god suited him well. 

“Dean, I didn’t forget about him. You know that right?” Jack sighed.

Dean blinked and then frowned looking at Jack. What was Jack talking about? Was Jack talking about something before? Did he zone out earlier?

“It wasn’t as easy but I got him back. I think it’s time you two talk. I’ll leave you both alone. In fact, I’ll go talk to Sam, try to calm him down.” Jack said while opening the door. 

“He still seems out of it. Let me know if it gets worse I’ll heal him some more. It will be healthier if he’d actually eat something though.” Jack muttered to someone outside. 

Dean waited for the figure to reveal themselves. Who did Jack bring back? Dean had a feeling but he didn’t want to get his hopes up. What if this was just another cruel dream. 

Jack disappeared and Dean heard footsteps coming towards him. Dean had a fluttering feeling in his stomach as he saw a beige trench coat come closer to him. He glanced upward and saw those bright blue eyes he’s been missing.

“Hello Dean” 

Dean stays silent. This has to be a dream right? There’s no way. First Jack now Cas? It can’t be real. Dean tries not to let himself enjoy the moment too much. It would be too desvestating for him once he wakes up.

“Dean, I know I left in a…. if you don’t feel the same way it’s fine. Please talk to me?”

“This is a dream. You aren’t real.”

“Dean, Jack brought me back. This is as real as I’ve ever been.”

“Stop please. Please stop. I can’t take it anymore. You always leave. I can’t save you. You're gone. I’m sorry Cas. I tell you this every time but I’m sorry!” Dean starts crying and blubbering apologies. This was a dream so it didn’t matter if he made a fool of himself. The voice just sounded so real.

“Dean. It’s really me. Jack brought me back from the empty again.” Cas said he placed a hand on Dean's shoulder. 

The moment Cas’s hand touched his shoulder Dean finally accepted that this was real. He could feel it, physically feel Cas here. That never happened in a dream before. This must be true. 

“Cas?” Dean's voice broke.

Cas tilted his head, “you need food. You're too thin Dean.” 

“You came back?” 

“Yes, Jack brought me back.”

“Don’t leave me Cas. Please I need you. I need you!”

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and sat down next to him. “Breathe Dean, that’s it Breathe.”

Once Dean calmed down he looked into those beautiful blue eyes. He still felt like this could be a dream but on the chance it wasn’t he decided to do what he had wanted to do ever since Cas died. He slowly leaned forward and captured the angels lips and gave him a soft kiss. Cas didn’t pull away, if anything he pulled Dean closer and held onto him as they deepened the kiss. It was a sweet simple kiss, it didn’t last too long but for Dean it was enough for him to feel the fluttering in his stomach.

“I need you Cas, don’t ever leave me again.”

“If you don’t want me to leave then I won’t.”

“I  _ need  _ you.” Dean stressed again. “Cas I…” Dean stopped and closed his eyes. He still couldn’t say the words while looking at Cas’s face. He still had the fear that this would be taken away. His grip on Cas tightened and keeping his eyes shut he barely whispers, “I love you.”

“I love you too Dean.” 

Dean opens his eyes and sees Cas still standing there in front of him. “You’re real. It’s all real?”

Rather than responding Cas slowly pried Dean up and got him to the kitchen. Dean didn’t eat much but Cas was satisfied once he finished eating a fruit. They then moved to the game room to cuddle on the couch. They stayed that way until Sam arrived back in the bunker with Jack. 

As soon as Sam saw Dean the yelling began. Sam went on and in about how worried he had been. Apparently he had called and texted multiple times and Dean hadn’t answered. Dean didn’t have his phone with him and tried to explain that but it was of no use. Dean understood, if their positions were flipped he would be acting the same way so he took it all silently. Let Sam be the mother hen for a while. 

Once Sam was finally done he looked at Dean and Cas. “Dean, are you…” he trailed off not sure how to ask the questions he was waiting for Dean to answer. 

“Cas is here. He’s real.” Dean said while gripping Cas’s arms again. He never wanted to let go of his angel. 

Sam and Cas looked at each other. Dean was pretty sure they were talking but he didn’t pay attention; he was still lost in the fact that Cas was here holding onto him. He was here in the bunker. Dean told Cas how he felt and Cas was still here. 

“I don’t have grace anymore Sam, otherwise I’d heal him myself. He barely ate that banana. I think we need Jack.” Dean heard Cas say. 

“Dean?” Sam asked. 

Dean wasn’t sure what the question was so he just stared at his brother waiting for an explanation. 

Sam's expression immediately dropped and Dean knew he had the wrong reaction. He had forgotten that he was supposed to pretend in front of Sam. He was just so preoccupied with Cas that it was hard to pretend everything was normal. 

Jack popped up and Dean suddenly felt better. He felt stronger and less dizzy. The headache was gone along with the dampness on the back of his head where the blood was. 

“Dean.” Jack said softly, “I’ve healed you physically but you need to work through the depression.” 

“Cas is back. For now?” Dean asked

“He’s back. He’s human, but he is back.” Jack confirmed. 

“As long as Cas stays I’ll be fine.” 

“I’m staying Dean. I’m not going anywhere without you.” 

Dean looked back at his angel. It didn’t matter if he was human now, Cas would always be his angel. Dean smiled as he cuddled next to Cas. He could get through this. The nightmare was over, with Cas here he could figure out anything. With Cas here his life can begin once again.

Jack smiled and stepped back. “He’ll be alright. With you two here he will be just fine.” Jack told Sam and Cas. 

Everyone saw Deans smile and knew that this was true. Now that Cas was back they would be fine. It may take some time for Dean to fully recover but they would work through it together. Now that Cas was here, their family was complete again.


End file.
